Ever go through a time where you're kinda mulling over some things, but can't, won’t or don’t seem to get any real breakthrough or progress in it? Then all of a sudden you have this day that just BAM! puts it all into perspective and lights your path? Yeah, today was one of those days – more like the past few days have been a progression of illumination leading up to today’s “aha” moment that went on all day.
Lately I’ve been really dragging, questioning, pouting, isolating– you name it. I just kinda allowed myself to get in this slump of self-pity, (false) self-sacrifice, doubt, and a lot of unneeded introspection, among many other things.
See a pattern yet?
My world revolves around ME.
Most people don’t think that’s a big deal or really a problem at all. Unfortunately it’s not that easy for me. I've set for myself higher standards. HIS standards. And simply put, that knocks me out of the middle of the universe and puts Him on the throne. Sometimes I’m so thankful He’s up there and other times I really wanna sit my butt back in that big chair.
A couple months ago I was going through some *ahem* fun situations but somehow got through it, albeit with lots of encouragement from friends and no lack of gritting my teeth. My poor flat bicuspids. The end of it all resulted in some unexpected breakthrough in unlooked-for areas. I was on cloud nine for a while, “the house was clean and swept and put in order.” Stupid me didn’t steward the breakthrough properly… okay, let's be honest, I didn’t steward it at all.
Now don’t get all concerned about me using that quote, coz I just know someone will read it and remember the rest of it and think, oh my god! She's possessed! I have to pray for her deliverance! – No. it isn't even like that. It’s more of a allowing some familiar spirits to waltz right back in.
Isolation. Self-pity. Self-righteousness. Lethargy/Laziness. Jealousy. Numbness. Disappointment. Pride. Arrogance. Unforgiveness. Hatred. Complacency. Holding grudges. All these spirits appear so small and insignificant that I allow them entrance as long as they behave themselves and stay out of the way. So of course they keep a low profile, lounging around the rooms of my heart, quietly feeding, growing fatter and becoming oh so deeply entrenched until the amount of effort to oust them is staggering. And by that time they aren’t docile little passing thoughts – no, they have fangs that lash out and sink into you when you try to correct them or put them in their place- they're fully developed life patterns.
Fortunately my Spirit has been stirring lately so it hasn’t quite gotten to that point again. After living in that place of victory my Spirit that communes with His wouldn’t stay quiet and complacent. But it still took much longer than I care to admit before I responded to the cries of indignation and desperation, its refusal to let these past cretins be tolerated house guests in my heart.
Why do familiar spirits have to be so darn . . . familiar? So easily dismissed only for them to try and creep by instead of violently warded off like they should be?
The other day Bill was talking about how Nehemiah was so assured and confident in his task that he didn’t even give his distractions the time of day, even when they were cloaked as the word of the lord! That’s something I’m trying to take to heart. Stay confident that this is where God wants me despite the obvious doubts, questions and disappointments I'm wading through.
Stay confident Krystle! God has you here for a reason. Stick with it because He says so, not because you're simply so stubborn and like to finish things. Finish it for the right reasons. Cling to His promises. Promises of deeper intimacy and higher/deeper/better/further equipping. Stand firm. He asked it of you.
I’m taking the making disciples amt this term, and of course the first class already has my head reeling. - Spiritual growth and intellectual learning are two separate things – discipleship and being a student are two different things. Disciples want to do/become/emulate what the Rabbi does/is/things/says. “In the west you believe that if you can repeat it, you know it. We believe that if you can live it, you know it.” Some famous Rabbi said that. Discipleship is not just personally knowing Jesus – it’s a community thing. If you have intimacy issues, then you're not ready for discipleship. Are you practicing discipleship? Real discipleship? In a community setting or in a solo adventure? Who has access to your life? Sit down and tell them that. Do you do intimacy well? How are you cultivating that? Are you practicing it today or waiting for some ideal situation? We are responsible for our own growth. – All that is just some of my notes from the class. Those are some tough questions. Really hit me hard and got me thinking even more, as if my head hasn’t felt like it’s been wanting to explode lately already.
Then Kris comes in today and expounds on worship and the tension of being intimate and comfortable with God and not losing that reverence and healthy fear of him. The reverence and respect we need for our fathers, which brought him to talk about fathers in general and ended in some of us (myself included) standing up, admitting we need to ask for forgiveness from our parents. Nice. Another mess I wasn’t fully aware of or ready to admit to that needs tending.
End today with Revival group. I have the flippin’ best Revival Group by the way. Totally kicks butt. Trisha brought in 2 guests, William and Crista. But first she had us all pair up 3 different times and prophesy over each other. The first time we had to say one word. I said “Fragrant” and was given “Brilliant.” Second time we had to say a phrase. I said “Cool as the evening breeze” and was given “Naked as a baby” (or naked as they day you were born, can't remember which way she phrased it.) The third time we were supposed to give them a bible verse (which is always nice coz I'm just so great at memorizing scripture). I said “you’ll be lifted up on wings like eagles” (which apparently is Ps. 91, he knew it, I didn’t) and was given “Ecc. 3: about different seasons of sowing and reaping.” He gave me a little extra and told me the reason he said that was coz I’ve been having questions for God. – thought break: I just actually looked up the passage and read it in my message bible.
Ecclesiastes Chapter 3:1-15: “There's an opportune times to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: a right time for birth and another for death, a right time to plant and another to reap, a right time to kill and another to heal, a right time to destroy and another to construct, a right time to cry and another to laugh, a right time to lament and another to cheer, a right time to make love and another to abstain, a right time to embrace and another to part, a right time to search and another to count your losses, a right time to hold on and another to let go, a right time to rip out and another to mend, a right time to shut up and another to speak up, a right time to love and another to hate, a right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do – busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time – but He’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether He’s coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it – eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift.
I've also concluded that whatever God does, that’s the way it’s going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God’s done it and that’s it. That’s so we’ll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
Whatever was, is.
Whatever will be, is.
That’s how it always is with God.”
OH MY FREAKING GOD!
It’s that last part, the stuff after the list that’s making me trip out. Epiphany while blogging – as if my thoughts weren’t jumbled enough.
Paraphrase: I never know what God’s up to. It’s okay, enjoy what I’m doing. It’s God’s gift. Whatever God does is the way it’s gonna be. I can't do anything to change that, good or bad. It’s all Him, and it’s that way so I stop freaking out about it and Just. Worship. Him. In. Holy. Fear.
Silver thread my ass, this is a huge game of connect the dots with a bright red crayon being used. Bill talking about not being distracted, which I have been by my own crap; Jason and James talking about being Jesus’ disciple and triggering even more questions to roust myself from said inner distractions; Kris talking about how worship isn't an act that starts and stops but is continual, a lifestyle and to keep your holy fear of Him throughout – something else I have trouble with; the awesome revival group time with all the prophecies and goodness that led me to Ecclesiastes 3.
Ah! I just . . . AH!
He just knows everything and it’s so true that He leaves us in the dark and we only see what He reveals to us which frustrates the ever-living-crap outta me coz I wanna know everything! Right now! I hate being out of the loop. I hate not knowing. I hate being ignorant. It makes me feel left out and I don’t want to be left out by my God. I want Him to tell me everything and why and the reasons and stories behind it all and how it was done. And I’m just so hungry for Him but I don’t know what to do about it and in all my confusion and idiocy all I end up doing is starving myself and cutting myself off from Him and stuff and people who remind me of Him – which is everything and everyone here in freakin Bethel. AHHHH!
I am so dense sometimes – and it’s always only my own fault.
Insert huge sigh here.
And this is the result of that. All this crazy emotion crap that I can't identify that ends up being unwound through various people and various messages that takes days to string together so it can all be vomited up on this page.
There, YOU read it. I don’t want to anymore. I need to go cry and talk to God about all this.
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